Just Another Morning in Guate
By05:55 Kid wakes me up
06:05 Start the gas water heater
06:07 Leave the shower because there is no hot water (ran out of gas and no one had bothered to have the backup refilled)
06:12 Go downstairs in towel b/c the folded clothes have not been brought upstairs by maid(s) or children
06:30 Ask a kid to make coffee
07:00 Ask kid again to make coffee
07:30 Check email to see how much hatemail has arrived overnight (only 12, mostly the usual suspects)
07:45 Leave for Antigua
07:55 ATM won’t produce cash
08:02 Circle around Antigua twice because 5th Ave south and 5th Calle are both blocked off.
08:09 Stop at Movistar to recharge phone.
08:15 Arrive at Cafe Condesa for ‘Expat Breakfast’
08:30 Finish the latest issue of La Cuadra, have lost appetite for breakfast and make note that I now need a new prescription for Cipro.
08:45 Leave when there appear to be no expats here for breakfast. Me: “Es esta la mesa donde el grupo de extranjeros se ha desayuno todos los jueves” Man: “El bus turístico ya se fue. Llega tarde.”
09:00 Arrive at lawyer’s office to payoff the former maid who is extorting money from me.
09:20 Leave when Maid has not arrived and tell lawyer the new offer is reduced by 100Q.
09:30 Car stalls at corner of 5th Avenue and 1st Calle in the middle of a rare morning downpour.
09:35 Call Gunther (Antigua’s best auto mechanic, 4th Calle and 1st Ave) , ask for help. Gunther: “I can’t help right now, we have a small problem with a car on a worker.” Me: “Yeah…so when can you be here?” Gunther: “At least one hour”. Adios.
09:37 Call friend and ask for a ride. Phone goes dead when Movistar says “no tiene saldo”. Interesting.
09:40 Lawyer calls to say maid has arrived, am I returning? LOL. Repeat new, lower offer. Offer to pay in 5 centavo coins.
09:45 Offer assembled municipal workers who are pretending to sweep trash 5Q each to help push car out of traffic.
09:46 Apologize to man with the 1978 Pinto for accidentally pushing Mercedes into his rear bumper that was formerly held in place with duct tape. Note for future: A (heavy) object in motion desires to remain in motion, at least one Guatemalan should stand in front of the car.
09:56 Explain to municipal cop that I can’t push the Mercedes any further and I am waiting for my mechanic.
10:11 Municipal cop returns and wants to give me a ticket. Me: “Tiena esposa?” Cop: “Si.” Me: “Le gustan las rosas?” Cop: “No se.” Me: “aquí es 20q para las rosas”. After a quick look around he declines. She doesn’t like roses. Me: “50Q aquí es, le gustaría dar masajes gringos?” Cop leaves.
10:17 Friend arrives. Abandon car to the care of a lurker.
10:26 Give Gunther key to car, suggest he get there sooner rather than later.
10:31 Arrive at Movistar store and complain about no saldo. Senorita says my ‘2′ looks like a ‘7′ to her and they put the money on the wrong phone. I ask her for my 100Q back. She refuses. I suggest we involve the police.
10:33 I get my saldo.
10:49 Arrive home, and take nipple from kid’s bottle. Find hidden bottle of Zacapa. It’s 5pm somewhere…
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21 Comments
November 5th, 2009 at 10:50 pm
You have to learn/understand that you CANNOT trust Guatemaltecos. I know you think I'm just a bitter person, but I'm not. But the fact is, guatemalans see us as easy marks, pardon the pun, and nothing else other than easy marks. this goes for your maids, gardeners, mechanics, and waitresses in your favorite restaurant. The more you depend on them, the more they will abuse, and this means lying, cheating, and yes, sorry to say, stealing. However, don't take my word for it, just continue depending on them, and you'll learn for yourself. Y'all have a good day.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:02 am
I don´t agree Bernie.. The problem is genetic and you CAN TRUST Guatemaltecos to rip you off.
The neurons that connect the brain to the optic nerve in most Guatemaltecos have genetically evolved to only compute ordinary white men (that´s tall men to them or giants) and blonde women with great arses (local women have no waists and flat arses) as simple $$$$$$$$$$$$ signs. Other side effects from this mutation include deafness, failing to look at you when you are talking to them, lurking, forcing you to repeat everything to them 2 or 3 times for them to understand even though your spanish is perfect, wasting your time asking how they can help and when all is explained telling you that nothing can be done, deciding to close off as many street s as possible for 2 days to fill a single pothole with lime and mud so that it will only last until the next time it rains, removing your power meter if you haven´t paid the bill . The list goes on.
November 6th, 2009 at 2:30 pm
I feel so honored to have people like Bernie and Q&A taking their time to talk about Guatemalans. Maybe Bernie Madoff is Guatemalan too! I bet he looked everyone in the eye while ripping them off!
Q&A, you´re right about American women having great arses, GREAT BIG ARSES. Last time I was in the US, there were so many people in wheelchairs I thought there´d been a polio epidemic. Turns out, these people couldn´t walk because they were so obscenely obese.
I apologize for generalizing, (because most foreigners I know are decent and intelligent) but that´s exactly what these 2 bottom feeders are doing.
If these guys are in Guatemala, I suggest they get out as soon as possible. Wouldn´t want their lily white arses sitting anywhere our little flat arses have been.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Hey Cristina . . . The people who invested with Bernie suffer from the same genetic mutation mentioned previously which is due to the uncontrolled migration northward of this unique species. Lets migrate north to the $$$$$$$$$$ is another symptom. As to the polio epidemic. I can accept that it is difficult to tell the difference between obesity and polio owing to the abismal education levels and inept academic qualifcations of the education system in Guatemala. Do you remember just 3 years ago all your teachers being on strike for months because they refused to attend classed to update their teaching knowledge and refusing to have an extra year added on to their teaching degree? Just out of interest, how did you manage to visit the US? Did a relative in the US send you a remesa? or did you manage to rip a gringo off by charging him double what you would charge one of your own breed.?
November 6th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Wow, I can't imagine why someone would choose to live in a place where he called the locals a different "breed". So much hatred. It's sad.
November 6th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Why even answer to Bernie Skeen and Q&A. It seems that they love being plowed by the people they so easily dismiss.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
Good for you Cristina !
people like Bernie and Q & A are better off living on an Island so they don't need to expose themselves to other people.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Q & A, I'm sure you will have alot of friends in Hell !
November 6th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
What a dork. . . . There is no hell
November 6th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
You answered . . . so why don´t you follow your own advice?
November 6th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
PS. You need to fix your grammar. In english you don´t need to include "to" in the sentence you have wriiten. Thi sproves my point about the low levels of education. (in this case your english teacher) It´s a bit like the blind leading the blind. But Hey! no problem, I´ll help you out with your english gordito,)
November 6th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
I don´t live where you live
November 6th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
You know what I meant. But if this is important to you, even I know that "this" has an "s." Don't confuse typing mistakes with grammar you boor. Gordito el que te meten todos los dias, hijo de la gran puta.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
We speak English as a second language. It would be expected that YOU would know that English is always capitalized, unless your purposefully did it to denigrate your language.
How many languages do you speak, by the way?
Just for the record, nobody ever sends me remesas. The only times I´ve been to the US is for vacations or for educational purposes.
What breed are you Q&A? Does your mother even know who your father was? Maybe that´s the reason for your rage.
November 6th, 2009 at 5:50 pm
My mother was a perfectly honest working girl in the oldest profession and I´m proud of it. So trying to insult me in spanish and not in english (is that because of your poor command of english') actually turns out to be compliment. Thanks. I rest my case.
November 6th, 2009 at 6:20 pm
I think all of Q & A 's anger comes from the fact that he does know his father, he is the man who used to rape him when he was a little boy.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
Lucky for me my farther was not a gringo
November 6th, 2009 at 7:32 pm
There are not two "R"s in Father. If English is your only language, that is pretty sad, I wonder where you were educated?
November 6th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
I just came here to tell Mark that his morning made me laugh. Thanks!
The rest of you are idiots. How about some comment moderation, yo?
November 9th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
If this site was moderated, I would feel even greater rejection than I have felt during the last 22 years. As Mark´s love child, he refuses to acknowlege me in any way.
November 9th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Hey Mike, you are so correct and I apologize for my spelling error. However as this site appears to have no built in spell checker or way to edit ones own comments, I guess you will have to put up with a few typographical errors due to rapid typing.:) PS I can write and speak Spanish just as badly.