How To Get and Train a Good Woman

I gave a new friend a ride home the other day, he’s lived in Guate for 24 years and has been married to a local gal for four years.  He was telling me all sorts of stories about his years in Guate, but the good ones all started with “Before I was married….” or a similar refrain.

When I queried him on the matter he said, “Well, I’m happily married now.  When I go home my wife says, ‘What can I get you?’ or ‘What do you need?’ followed by ‘What would you like me to make you for dinner?’ or ‘Would you like a beer or a glass of wine?’, followed by ‘Do you need me to rub on your back or your feet?’, and so I’m happily domesticated.”

I told him I’d like to hang out at his house and pick up a few pointers when he said, “No, it’s too late for you.  For one, you married a gringa, and secondly, you’ve been married too long for retraining.  First you have to marry a Guatemalteca, never let her socialize with gringa women or they’ll ruin her, and as long as you don’t beat her she’ll treat you like a king.”

So, there you go.  This entire exchange reminded me of a email I got a while back, and it took some serious digging to find this little gem, but gentlemen, print this baby off and post it on the refrigerator, over the pila, or wherever She will see it, and sit back and enjoy the good life.  Good luck!

I found the text also, since the graphic is a little hard to read.  I’m sure one of you can translate this into Spanish for your wife.

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

* Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.

* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his personal comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

* Be happy to see him.

* Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not one of them. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself body and spirit.

* Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

* Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

* A good wife always knows her place.