Archive for Expat Adaptation
The Latest Gossip
Posted by: | CommentsOne of my friends calls occasionally and says, “What’s the latest gossip?” He knows how Antigua works and is always curious to hear what people have cooked up recently.
Well, the other day a friend approached me and said, “You’re going to love this one. I just heard that you’re a former Mafia hitman under witness protection here in Guatemala, and that your friend [Paul] who you’re always hanging out with is not really a retired military guy but he’s a US Marshal who is responsible for debriefing you and keeping an eye on things. That’s why he’s always coming and going on short notice, because he’s rushing back to Philly or NYC after talking to you.”
Perhaps not all of you expats-to-be will be the beneficiary of such sexy gossip, but there’s definitely more to it than just the fact that I stir the pot on this blog. Check out this extensive article on expat gossip.
Retiring Early in Guate
Posted by: | CommentsWhen you’re the most notorious blogger in Guatemala you get a lot of email, and much of it is unusual. A recent email was particularly interesting. The guy introduced himself to me and said, “My wife left me and took everything but the house, which I got and is paid off. I retired early, but won’t have any ‘extra’ until social security kicks in, which is still 5 years out. Any ideas for how I can move to Guate?”
Of course, my first suggestion was to sell the house, but apparently market conditions prevent that and he wanted to leave ’something’ to the kids. The next idea I had was to rent the house, but he wasn’t prepared to do that (long-term) until he knew for sure Guate would be his new home. My third suggestion was to borrow against the home, but apparently the bank wasn’t eager to loan to a guy who had just retired and wasn’t on SS yet.
So, my last suggestion was to get a reverse mortgage, which involves the bank essentially giving him cash advances against the house based on his life expectancy and home values in the area. He’ll have the option of a lump sum advance or monthly payments, and never has to pay it back (until he’s dead). It’s also tax-free since it’s an advance on his equity and not income. He already has life insurance so whenever he kicks off the mortgage will be paid and the kids (or a second wife?) will get the house free and clear.
I don’t know whether he’s taking the $1500 a month option or the $100,000 in cash, but in his last email to me he said he was buying plane tickets for Guate and wanted to see “all the great restaurants and bars…and any single women you know to teach me Spanish”. Ahem…married women know Spanish too, buddy.
Living here is often an exercise in creativity and ‘outside the box’ thinking, and this guy got a five year head start on his retirement.
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Fijese…Estoy ‘El Patron’
Posted by: | CommentsLast Sunday the Wife and kids were at church and I was at home with the baby. At the appointed time I ventured out of the compound, opened the main gate, and sat down on the steps and watched for the family to return home. 30 minutes passed, then an hour, and it seemed that every working Indian woman in the neighborhood had walked by, smiled and said good morning to the baby, and moved on. I intentionally only wear my Panama hat, wife-beater tshirt, boxers, socks and crocs out to the front gate in hopes of persuading the local women to keep moving, knowing that they are scandalized by my attire and afraid of the cigar. (I once thought everyone in Central America smoked cigars, since they’re made all over the region, but in two years here I’ve yet to see a local smoking one, other than Honduran Caudillo Zelaya). Anyway, this subtle approach usually works-they glance at me and then quickly look away-but this Sunday one of them came back, looked me straight in the eye and engaged me in a long conversation.
I’m pretty sure her Spanish is worse than mine, but it didn’t take a blogger fluent in Spanish AND English to figure out that she wanted money. Before long I had her husband’s cedula, a DPI, a note from a doctor saying he was unable to work, and some sort of letter from the government. When I’m at home and people come asking for money, I usually turn them over to the Wife and the Maid and they figure out what they need and give it to them…tortillas, rice, beans, milk…whatever. But in this case, no one was home to help, and frankly, I don’t even know where any of that stuff is.
She looked pretty sincere so I cut to the chase and gave her 50Q. She told me that God would bless me and she left.
Well, this Sunday I was at home with two sick kids while the Wife and the other kids went to church. I expected them home by noon, but at 1:30 I was still sitting outside, learning Spanish from my sick toddler and holding the baby once again, to the great amusement of the passing women. I’m not sure what’s more of a spectacle, me in my Sunday morning ‘go away’ attire, or the two white babies yelling at each other and the local chuchos in Spanglish and asking me every two minutes where Maid #6 is (she does whatever they want so it’s not hard to see why they prefer her to me).
I was 3/4 of the way through the cigar and the family was AWOL before I saw the woman from last week-I didn’t recognize her until she got up close and started thanking me profusely-then introduced me to her friend as ‘mi patron’. I know enough to nip that in the bud, so I immediately said, “Senora, tu tiene otro trabajar y yo no estoy su patron”. Her eyes got huge and there was lots of ‘fijese’ and ‘disculpe’ and I held my hands up as if to say, “no problem”, at which she quickly encouraged the other friend towards me who very nervously and with tears in her eyes began another long, sob story.
She must have gotten some coaching from the first woman because she too pulled all sorts of well-worn documents from her bra and explained to me how her husband was dead, she had 13 children (or so) and the big storm had wiped out either her house or her work-I couldn’t be sure and wasn’t looking to prolong the conversation-but she too wanted rice, milk, etc. I’m not sure if I was being scammed, but they seemed genuine, so she got 50Q as well and they both hurried away.
Only time will tell whether I’ve established a precedent. I’m afraid so.
P.S. Yeah, I know, I’ve warned many of you who’ve visited me here not to do precisely what I’m doing here. Just the other day I gave “Paul” a lecture on how he shouldn’t invite the shoe shine boy into the restaurant we were eating at to have papas fritas y Pepsi. He gave me the typical gringo response, “Yeah, but it’s only 35Q”…only to realize that when the boy showed up the next day with a friend looking for a (two) meals that it isn’t just 35Q. It’s 35Q the first time.
What can I say..guilty as charged; it’s tough to look someone in the eye and say ‘no’ when there’s a pretty good chance they’ve got a houseful of crumbcrunchers who haven’t eaten today. I’m not very good at this real-world charity stuff-it pricks my conscience. Perhaps I should station myself on the terrace from now on.
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At Least Someone Is Having Luck with their Mechanic
Posted by: | CommentsLook:
Over the past few days I have been spending time with the mechanics checking brakes and changing oil on the Nissan and also, changing the glow plugs and fixing a dent on on of the trucks. The dent happened a couple of years ago and is starting to rust, so best to get it sanded down and painted. We did not feel the need to fix it real perfect as dents are a part of life here, so we had it banged out as well as it could be, painted and had the bumper straightened so the tire does not hit up against the frame anymore and had a hole repaired in the back side of the head light with fiber glass (so now no dirt will get in the head light weaking the beam). All for Q100 or about $13. With changing the glow plugs and fixing the dent, total cost Q570 or $71, with most of the cost on the glow plugs (Q320 / $40). At least our mechanic costs are low here. Here are some before and after pics.
Toughing It in Antigua
Posted by: | CommentsThis weekend Antigua hosted a disappointingly lame gastronomic festival. V had warned me not to have a big breakfast yesterday because we’d soon be gorging ourselves on interesting Guatemalan goodies, but I already had my suspicions that it would be more enticing to people with cameras than those with plastic spoons.
We stayed about half an hour from twelve thirty until one. It had kicked off at midday and already things were getting disheveled and the cooks representing the various aldeas were apparently having difficulty keeping some of the concoctions warm in their earthenware pots.
V’s expectations of discovering something unusual were not met. I can’t imagine there were many people there who’d never tried a pepián or revolcado.
Given the corporate sponsorship, the prices were a bit silly frankly. In the end we paid Q20 for a rather miserly portion of pollo con crema y loroco, most of which went back home for the dog. It was essentially a boney piece of chicken covered in… (continue reading)
Wifi Around Town
Posted by: | CommentsFor those of you not retired or enjoying a mom & dad funded vacation, I present to you my list of internet cafes that you can work from:
El Portal
The cafe across from the park that never used to have internet. Well, they’ve finally finished remodeling the back and it’s quite cozy – there’s only one plug but you can sit right next to the router. Hell, you could probably plug-in an ethernet cable into the back if you wanted. Here’s a speedtest.net diagnostic on El Portal:
Expat Adaptations
Posted by: | CommentsExpatMom recently offered up signs that you might be a long-term expat. I’ll be a little more direct and call it, “Signs you have adapted”. A recent example from a visit to Atitlan reminded me of this.
It was about 9pm and outside the window to our hotel we heard a loud, prolonged and unintelligible noise. I couldn’t be sure if it was human or animal or something artificial. It was truly bizarre and a little frightening at the same time. I turned to my kid, who was on the couch playing with his new phone and said, “Did you hear that? What could it have been?!”
Without looking up from his phone he said, “Oh, probably just some drunk guy yelling at a street dog.” A moment later I visually confirmed his analysis; an old man was stumbling away from a dog that was cowering in a dark corner.
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Email Correspondence: Receiving Mail in Guatemala from the US
Posted by: | CommentsGreat One:
If someone moves from the U.S. to Guatemala and they want to receive mail safely and securely, is there a courier service from the states that sends the accumulated mail via FEDEX once per month?
Has anyone had their FEDEX package opened and inspected in Guatemala before the actual package with your letters in it got to you?
Thanks for feedback,
Single Admirer
Single Admirer,
If you want to receive your stuff via Fedex and DHL you don’t need a service for that, just have it sent for you (setup an account in the US and it’s cheaper than going retail). If you want to get a mailbox in Florida and have all your mail forwarded to a PO Box here in Antigua, there are several services that do that and charge you a one-time fee plus about $1 per pound for mail received. The firm I’m familiar with is Enlaces, it’s on 6th Avenida south.
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