In early January one of my vehicles, through circumstances I have yet to fully understood, ran into the back of another vehicle that was parked illegally on a red line.  My vehicle was covered by third party insurance, however one of my employees had allowed his fellow worker, who has no license, to drive the vehicle.  I received a phone call to say that my vehicle was being impounded by the police  and the employee was being taken to jail so naturally I rushed down to the accident scene to see what I could do. As the vehicle is registered in my name, in Guatemala I am ultimately responsible for anything that happens with the vehicle.  The employee would manage just fine in jail, but how would the rest of my crew manage without the work van?

When I arrived at the scene there were regular police, council police and tourist police as well as at least 200 people all milling around giving their opinion on everything.  It wasn’t difficult to determine who the owner of the other car was, because there was a dwarf with a pistol stuck in his waistband whipping up the crowd like a well-oiled evangelista.

We had a chat and reached an agreement that I would pay him the sum of Q12,250.00 for the damage to his car (after I had phoned the dealer to get a price on the parts).  He agreed that we would do a written arrangement and that I would give him a check dated for three days later so I would have time to move money around.  I informed the police that we had reached an agreement and they quickly lost interest and even agreed not to take my employee to jail or impound my vehicle.  All good so far even though the damage to my own vehicle looked substantial and I realized that my insurance would not cover anything as my employee had no license.

The armed dwarf then said that he had a friend around the corner who could type up the agreement for us. I said OK and asked two of the regular police to accompany me, just in case said dwarf decided a dousing of gasoline and lynching might be in order.  The armed dwarf took me to a sleazy shack behind the mercado which he laughingly called an office, where 5 or 6 dirty little men were crammed into a space the size of my maid’s toilet. Surprise, surprise. There was another dwarf sitting behind a desk dressed in what looked like a leisure suit picked out of the 3Q table at Pacas.

After the required fake pleasantries, the dwarf behind the desk puffed up his chest and informed me in an extra loud voice that I would not be getting out of his office until I had paid him Q5,000, which was his minimum fee for anything he did.  Having had a lot of experience over the years dealing with Latin cockroaches, and as Spanish also happens to be my native language, I stood up and said to him “péleme la verga” which is the correct and most insulting way to say “f–k you” in Spanish. The literal translation is “come over here and peel back the foreskin on my penis”, a phrase I have always preferred to the more banal English.  Not surprisingly this didn’t go over well with the puffed-up dwarf.

I walked out of the office to enjoy a smoke or five and went to talk to the police officers who had overheard everything.  In hushed tones one of them said to me “these guys are trying to screw you”.  No kidding jefe. The police offered to write up the agreement in their little report book and said that the armed dwarf and I could sign it and it would be ok and I wouldn’t have to pay the puffed-up dwarf anything.

The armed dwarf was not too happy about this and didn’t want the inexpensive solution. The police then informed the armed dwarf that it appeared that he was trying to extort money from me instead of simply trying to settle the accident. Eventually said dwarf agreed and the police did their writing-which took ages-and we duly signed their report book.  I then gave the  check (post dated for 3 days) to the armed dwarf. The gang of 6 had remained standing nearby watching and listening to everything.  Unable to resist the urge, I walked over and said to them “don´t spend the Q5,000.00 you did’t get from me all at once”. There were a series of mutterings like “gringo pizado”, “Ud. tiene mucho pisto” and “hijo de puta”. I must say that there is no greater bitch scorned than a Guatemalan deprived of exploiting a foreigner.

Little did I realize that I had made a fatal error; the armed dwarf went to my bank that same afternoon and tried to cash the post dated check.   Thinking I had three days to move the cash to that account, there weren’t enough funds to cover it and as a result the  bank stamped it “insufficient funds”.  It turns out that (now with serious legal advice from Don Marco’s lawyers), a post dated check in Guatemala is irrelevant.

The next night the armed dwarf turns up at my house and tells my check has bounced and that he isn’t interested in the money anymore. “Como sos gringo te voy a chingar”.  I transferred the funds into my account anyway along with a substantial amount of additional money and phoned the armed dwarf the next day and told him he could cash his check. He told me on the phone that he was too busy to talk to me. So I put the entire matter out of my mind.

Approximately 2 weeks later I received a telephone call from a friend I have at the Ministerio Publico telling me that they have seen a criminal demand taken out against me for the sum of Q50,000.00 (fifty thousand) for mental suffering, personal distress, and fraud. In addition my bank accounts have been frozen and I can´t leave the country (arraigado). Additionally there is a pending order for my arrest and the “demanda” says that I have been served the notice and there is even a date, signature and name of the person who supposedly has served the documents. It turns out the official of the court is the brother-in law of the armed dwarf.

Ok, two can play at this game.

1) I went down to the MP and accepted service of the document at the Ministerio Publico. (shows good faith on my part)

2) I attended the first court hearing to give my “declaración”. Got there 3 minutes late so it was canceled and rescheduled for 1 month later (love Guate punctuality)

3) At my second court hearing I arrived on time and without a lawyer. I told the judge I was going to defend myself, He said I could but that he didn’t recommend it and rescheduled my hearing for one month later. Naturally the armed dwarf still doesn’t have his money at this stage.

4) Third hearing, I told the judge that I had considered his advice and that I preferred to defend myself. Judge said no way you must get a lawyer and rescheduled for 2 weeks later. (At this stage I had still not given a statement to the court)

5) Fourth Hearing. After consulting Don Marco I find myself in the company of two competent lawyers . They tell the judge that I am a foreigner and that we need an official interpreter which must be paid by the armed dwarf. Judge says OK and reschedules for 3 weeks later.

6) Fifth Hearing. My two lawyers and I arrive at the court and no one has managed to locate an interpreter. Hearing rescheduled again.  Oh, how long justice takes!

7) Sixth Hearing. It is now the end of July, months after the incident. Judge finally opens the session with the microphones and scribe and suddenly says “turn everything off we are going to fix this, nothing is to be recorded”.

He then says that he is sick of this case and that he is not going to hear my defense and that he just wants the armed dwarf to accept the original deal of Q12,250.00. The armed dwarf starts to argue with the judge and says he has had other expenses and the Judge tells him that if he had accepted the original amount he would not have had any additional expenses. The armed dwarf then says he doesn’t want Q50,000.00 any more and that he only wants Q20,000.00 now. The judge says that´s too much. My lawyers and I sit there fascinated, not saying a word, as the Judge negotiates for us.

I am asked what I am prepared to pay and I say I am only prepared to pay the amount of the original agreement. So the Judge says to me “would you give him Q3,000.00 more for a total of Q15,250.00?” so I take my time to answer and say maybe I would and that I don´t understand why the man can´t simply honor his original written agreement.  After all your honor, I’m just a foreigner and I assume that when a Guatemalan-even a dwarf-signs an agreement that it would be binding.

The judge then tells the armed dwarf, well you better accept that because it looks like you won´t be getting anymore. So I agreed to pay the Q15,250.00.  Now that the suit was settled, I asked the judge what happens to my not leaving the country, my frozen bank accounts and the arrest warrant.  The judge said no problem, I am issuing orders for all that to be lifted. It turns out that the Judge’s orders don´t mean as much as they do in other countries, so my lawyers and I  have had to go to the Ministerio Publico and the Police with the Judge’s order and retrieve the documents ourselves as the court does not notify anyone of their decisions. Fijese…Same with the bank accounts, we have had to notify the banks and then they check with the court to see if our documents are genuine.

I am not sure if this story has a moral, however it does have a point. The point is that the local cockroaches will try and take advantage of any situation to get instant money out of anyone and that the best tactic is to just wear them down as they are so desperate for money in the end they will accept less.

You’re probably thinking that after all this, I’ll probably let the matter rest.  I don´t think so; I have a plan. I noticed the armed dwarf continues to park his now fully repaired and shiny car on the “no parking” red line in front of his business.  It occurred to me that someone could buy a cheap  car from someone they didn’t particularly care for and forget to register all the paperwork documenting the transaction. Then that person could build up some speed and  crash the car into the armed dwarfs car.   Of course in true Guatemalan fashion the driver would flee the scene If I,oops, I mean, that person managed to do it right, both cars will be impounded and the slow, expensive judicial process would begin all over again.

Stay tuned.

Well, the other day a friend approached me and said, “You’re going to love this one.  I just heard that you’re a former Mafia hitman under witness protection here in Guatemala, and that your friend [Paul] who you’re always hanging out with is not really a retired military guy but he’s a US Marshal who is responsible for debriefing you and keeping an eye on things.  That’s why he’s always coming and going on short notice, because he’s rushing back to Philly or NYC after talking to you.”

Perhaps not all of you expats-to-be will be the beneficiary of such sexy gossip, but there’s definitely more to it than just the fact that I stir the pot on this blog.  Check out this extensive article on expat gossip.

Of course, my first suggestion was to sell the house, but apparently market conditions prevent that and he wanted to leave ’something’ to the kids.  The next idea I had was to rent the house, but he wasn’t prepared to do that (long-term) until he knew for sure Guate would be his new home.  My third suggestion was to borrow against the home, but apparently the bank wasn’t eager to loan to a guy who had just retired and wasn’t on SS yet.

So, my last suggestion was to get a reverse mortgage, which involves the bank essentially giving him cash advances against the house based on his life expectancy and home values in the area.  He’ll have the option of a lump sum advance or monthly payments, and never has to pay it back (until he’s dead).  It’s also tax-free since it’s an advance on his equity and not income.  He already has life insurance so whenever he kicks off the mortgage will be paid and the kids (or a second wife?) will get the house free and clear.

I don’t know whether he’s taking the $1500 a month option or the $100,000 in cash, but in his last email to me he said he was buying plane tickets for Guate and wanted to see “all the great restaurants and bars…and any single women you know to teach me Spanish”.   Ahem…married women know Spanish too, buddy.

Living here is often an exercise in creativity and ‘outside the box’ thinking, and this guy got a five year head start on his retirement.

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I’m pretty sure her Spanish is worse than mine, but it didn’t take a blogger fluent in Spanish AND English to figure out that she wanted money.  Before long I had her husband’s cedula, a DPI, a note from a doctor saying he was unable to work, and some sort of letter from the government.  When I’m at home and people come asking for money, I usually turn them over to the Wife and the Maid and they figure out what they need and give it to them…tortillas, rice, beans, milk…whatever.  But in this case, no one was home to help, and frankly, I don’t even know where any of that stuff is.

She looked pretty sincere so I cut to the chase and gave her 50Q.  She told me that God would bless me and she left.

Well, this Sunday I was at home with two sick kids while the Wife and the other kids went to church.  I expected them home by noon, but at 1:30 I was still sitting outside, learning Spanish from my sick toddler and holding the baby once again, to the great amusement of the passing women.  I’m not sure what’s more of a spectacle, me in my Sunday morning ‘go away’ attire, or the two white babies yelling at each other and the local chuchos in Spanglish and asking me every two minutes where Maid #6 is (she does whatever they want so it’s not hard to see why they prefer her to me).

I was 3/4 of the way through the cigar and the family was AWOL before I saw the woman from last week-I didn’t recognize her until she got up close and started thanking me profusely-then introduced me to her friend as ‘mi patron’.  I know enough to nip that in the bud, so I immediately said, “Senora, tu tiene otro trabajar y yo no estoy su patron”.  Her eyes got huge and there was lots of ‘fijese’ and ‘disculpe’ and I held my hands up as if to say, “no problem”, at which she quickly encouraged the other friend towards me who very nervously and with tears in her eyes began another long, sob story.

She must have gotten some coaching from the first woman because she too pulled all sorts of well-worn documents from her bra and explained to me how her husband was dead, she had 13 children (or so) and the big storm had wiped out either her house or her work-I couldn’t be sure and wasn’t looking to prolong the conversation-but she too wanted rice, milk, etc.  I’m not sure if I was being scammed, but they seemed genuine, so she got 50Q as well and they both hurried away.

Only time will tell whether I’ve established a precedent.  I’m afraid so.

P.S.  Yeah, I know, I’ve warned many of you who’ve visited me here not to do precisely what I’m doing here.  Just the other day I gave “Paul” a lecture on how he shouldn’t invite the shoe shine boy into the restaurant we were eating at to have papas fritas y Pepsi.  He gave me the typical gringo response, “Yeah, but it’s only 35Q”…only to realize that when the boy showed up the next day with a friend looking for a (two) meals that it isn’t just 35Q.  It’s 35Q the first time.

What can I say..guilty as charged; it’s tough to look someone in the eye and say ‘no’ when there’s a pretty good chance they’ve got a houseful of crumbcrunchers who haven’t eaten today.  I’m not very good at this real-world charity stuff-it pricks my conscience.  Perhaps I should station myself on the terrace from now on.

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Over the past few days I have been spending time with the mechanics checking brakes and changing oil on the Nissan and also, changing the glow plugs and fixing a dent on on of the trucks.  The dent happened a couple of years ago and is starting to rust, so best to get it sanded down and painted.  We did not feel the need to fix it real perfect as dents are a part of life here, so we had it banged out as well as it could be, painted and had the bumper straightened so the tire does not hit up against the frame anymore and had a hole repaired in the back side of the head light with fiber glass (so now no dirt will get in the head light weaking the beam).  All for Q100 or about $13.  With changing the glow plugs and fixing the dent, total cost Q570 or $71, with most of the cost on the glow plugs (Q320 / $40).  At least our mechanic costs are low here.  Here are some before and after pics.

We stayed about half an hour from twelve thirty until one. It had kicked off at midday and already things were getting disheveled and the cooks representing the various aldeas were apparently having difficulty keeping some of the concoctions warm in their earthenware pots.

V’s expectations of discovering something unusual were not met. I can’t imagine there were many people there who’d never tried a pepián or revolcado.

Given the corporate sponsorship, the prices were a bit silly frankly. In the end we paid Q20 for a rather miserly portion of pollo con crema y loroco, most of which went back home for the dog. It was essentially a boney piece of chicken covered in… (continue reading)

El Portal
The cafe across from the park that never used to have internet. Well, they’ve finally finished remodeling the back and it’s quite cozy – there’s only one plug but you can sit right next to the router. Hell, you could probably plug-in an ethernet cable into the back if you wanted. Here’s a speedtest.net diagnostic on El Portal:

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It was about 9pm and outside the window to our hotel we heard a loud, prolonged and unintelligible noise.  I couldn’t be sure if it was human or animal or something artificial.  It was truly bizarre and a little frightening at the same time.  I turned to my kid, who was on the couch playing with his new phone and said, “Did you hear that?  What could it have been?!”

Without looking up from his phone he said, “Oh, probably just some drunk guy yelling at a street dog.”   A moment later I visually confirmed his analysis; an old man was stumbling away from a dog that was cowering in a dark corner.

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Great One:

If someone moves from the U.S. to Guatemala and they want to receive mail safely and securely, is there a courier service from the states that sends the accumulated mail via FEDEX once per month?

Has anyone had their FEDEX package opened and inspected in Guatemala before the actual package with your letters in it got to you?

Thanks for feedback,

Single Admirer

Single Admirer,

If you want to receive your stuff via Fedex and DHL you don’t need a service for that, just have it sent for you (setup an account in the US and it’s cheaper than going retail).  If you want to get a mailbox in Florida and have all your mail forwarded to a PO Box here in Antigua, there are several services that do that and charge you a one-time fee plus about $1 per pound for mail received.  The firm I’m familiar with is Enlaces, it’s on 6th Avenida south.