That was the question asked by a local blogger recently.  I’m not sure if he is referring to the hostility he shares with a few other Antiguenos towards white Christian foreigners, or if it was a veiled reference to Arizona’s recent legislation making it a state crime to be in the US legally.  Effusive reader comments would seem to suggest the latter.

I enjoy observing the art of message manipulation, and so seeing the hate that has spilled forth because the people of Arizona are tired of the federal government empowering the drug dealers, rapists and murders who happen to be in the country illegally is, frankly, entertaining.  As has been pointed out here and elsewhere many times, neither Mexico nor Guatemala tolerates illegal immigration and yet my countrymen are ‘xenophobic’ for preferring the rule of law.  Not to mention that it is already a federal crime to enter the country illegally, making the AZ law superfluous, especially relevant for those who oppose or are ignorant of a federal system of government and the growing legal battle by the states against the central government.  It’s gratifying to see that a dozen other states appear to be following my state’s lead.  The real fight is with the federal government of course, not the immigrants, but those are just details that get in the way of good propaganda.

You would think a people with a history such as those who are migrating would prefer law and order after so much civil unrest, abuse and corruption in their native countries.  But you’d be wrong.  Ask a local if you may enter their house without their permission and take their possessions and return to your home at a time of your own choosing and they will quickly agree this is wrong, but the idea of a nation controlling its borders and admitting who it wants when it wants is simply outrageous.  Until, that is, you remind them that Guatemala does this very thing.  Oh, but that’s different Don Marco, we don’t need you, but you need us. Tell that to my maids, my employees, or the Guatemalans I keep employed through my profligate spending around town.  There are even Guatemalans who live on the tourist industry here but secretly resent the tourists.  I’m shocked, just shocked!

In fact, of all the developed nations, the US has the greatest history of immigration-legal and otherwise.  Latinos now outnumber blacks, Indians and Asians continue to come to the US (if only to learn and then go home), and at every level of society first generation immigrants are thriving.  Most of them are legal and wish other immigrants would respect their new nation’s laws.  Perhaps all those legal immigrants are racist xenophobes too for wanting others to work and wait and play by the rules, like they did.

One ‘friend’ here called me a racist to my face for supporting the AZ legislation.  Of course, I found out immediately he was completely ignorant of the law, thinking as he did that cops could stop anyone they wanted and jail them if they didn’t have immigration papers.  I tried to explain probable cause to him without success (there is no such legal protection here, a point I found deliciously ironic), due process of law, etc.  I told him that I thought the AZ law didn’t go far enough, because in my opinion to enter the country to work and live you should have to pass a physical, demonstrate a certain net worth, pass a literacy test, and have the recommendation of three native-born citizens.

He was appalled and thought he had ‘caught me’ in my own argument by pointing out that I couldn’t pass a literacy test in Spanish.  When I pointed out that this higher bar for entry to the US was in direct proportion to the much higher demand for entry, I think I lost him.  When I offered military service as an alternative path to citizenship, he protested vigorously that military service was ‘offensive’ and that the Guatemalan people were ‘peaceful’.  Tell that to the families of the 16 people a day murdered here. He became apoplectic when I suggested that even better would be to allow anyone to vote, citizen or not, so long as they owned property.  Yes, even those dirty, stinky brown Spanish speakers, so long as they own land.  White and homeless, try again in four years.  Merit-based anything can make some people crazy.

The answer to Rudy’s question, of course, is that few people in the US are afraid of immigrants.  They’re afraid of losing their job to someone willing to work for less than the minimum wage, being run over by a drunk driver, having their little girl raped and murdered, paying ever-higher income taxes to support an exploding welfare class or getting beat up for walking on the wrong side of the road or wearing the wrong basketball jersey.  Having grown up in Tucson and Phoenix I’ve seen all these headlines on a near-daily basis, which perhaps to others is really just a mass delusion without basis in fact that we’ve cooked up (and convinced the leftist, pro-migrant media to support), to mask our hatred for our darker-skin neighbors.  We Arizonans hate everything about Latinos; we hate their tequila, their women, their food, their music, their soccer, their Christianity.  Yeah, that’s why you see whitey in their restaurants, at their concerts, marrying their women and supporting their churches; we don’t mean what we say we mean about the rule of law, it’s because we’re really just racists.  Como se dice:  red herring?

For my part, I never experienced racism and discrimination until I came to Guatemala.  Even in Mississippi at the black-run BBQ joint they didn’t charge me more for ribs because I was white or from the ‘Yankee’ state of Arizona, and when I asked at the Jewish deli in Philly if Catholics could order off the public menu they laughed and made jokes about wishing they had their own Pope to stop all the bickering.  But here in Guate I can’t get a work visa, after all, I’m a foreigner, and while I’m welcome to visit for 90 days at a time and pay higher prices for things based on my skin color, I can’t even serve as the registered agent for my own company.  You have to be a Guatemalan to do that.  Walk into the Secretary of State’s office in Phoenix to form your own corporation and as long as you can pay the $100 (it’s $600 here), they don’t care whether you’re legal or not, black, brown or white, carrying TB in your lungs or a nuke in your suitcase or even if you hate America.  That’s just how xenophobic we are.

What’s the old saying about hypocrisy?  Kicking with the hind feet while licking with the tongue? How apropos.

The Monday after I was frantically looking for the laundry stuff and after Irving had called her at home to ask if she’d seen it, our maid miraculously discovered the laundry soap at the bottom of a laundry basket that both Irving and I had checked. It was odd, but I thought maybe we’d just looked too quickly and missed it. The fabric softener didn’t turn up at all.

Then Irving got a call to go play a gig and when he went to iron his shirt . . . no iron. Anywhere. He went and scoured his family’s house because they have a tendency to borrow it. But they had two new irons and he couldn’t find ours anywhere. The maid said she hadn’t seen it in months . . . which could easily be true since we haven’t used it in ages.

And now, over the past week….

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Then he drove right through the huge mass of trash that can be seen from hundreds of meters away and is always in the same place (I presume wind/water currents cause the trash to all gather there).  Of course, about 3/4 of the way through it the trash had collected around the propeller and there was lots of back and forth on the throttle and screwing around with the prop and motor to get going again.  I bit my tongue.

On the way back, the same process was repeated.  So I asked the pilot:

DM:  You know where the trash is, but you drive through it anyway?

Pilot:  Si.

DM:  Why?

Pilot:  I don’t know.

DM:  Why don’t you drive around the trash?

Pilot:  It’s really big.

DM:  Yeah, but the gas to drive around it is, como se dice “inconsequential”

Pilot:  But it would add too much time.

DM:  But when you drive through the trash lake we get stuck, and often sit for five or ten minutes while you play with the motor.  That is inconvenient for the passengers and over the course of a day likely causes you to miss a round-trip worth of revenue.

Pilot:  Fijese…

DM:  Plus over time you are likely doing harm to the engine and propeller.

Pilot:  [silence]

Then I noticed all the stares on the boat.  The Indians were glaring, the Latinos trying to be invisible, the Indian girl from London with two enormous backpacks was laughing and the girl from Edinburgh with Daisy Duke cutoffs had eyes the size of saucers.  My friend “Paul” appeared to be asleep, despite the wind, rain and three foot waves.

The pilot turned his back to me and refused to make eye contact.  While we drifted towards the rocky north shore I wondered if my iPhone would survive if I had to make an early exit.  Would “Paul” survive?  Probably; he’s spent some time on open water.  Fortunately, the pilot eventually got the motor started again and we arrived at the Pana dock without further incident.  I saw “Paul” rush off the boat, pay the first guy he ran into and move up the shore a safe distance away, just in case, you know, there was some sort of reprisal for my imprudent questioning of the pilot’s navigation competence.

Hola Don Marcos, how are you?

My name is [obscured].

First of all, I´d like to tell that your blog is being really helpful and I´m having a lot of fun reading your stories. It´s like an addiction. I have to read it everyday otherwise I feel like something is missing and I can´t hit the pillow.

I´m new here in Guatemala(came from Mexico about 2months ago) and I´m begining to learn how things work around here.

Since last month, I´m trying to find a nice used car, I´ve tried through gt.clasificados.st online,
yeah there are lots of cars tagged with nitido, reciente ingreso, papeles a toda prueba, etc etc
but when i saw them physically they were horrible… roaring engine, rusty parts, loosen driver´s seat, you name it… and they insist on calling that NITIDO…
I also met one seller that loves to say FIJESE…that word gets on me nerves…

It´s really stressful to find a BONITO Y BARATO car around here

Anyways, today we found a good car according to my father´s test drive and engine check
Mazda MPV 2000 w/leather seats for $6,875 and negotiated to be $6,200
I told the guy(seller) to meet me tomorrow to make the payment since i´m waiting to get my NIT

But once i got home I checked the VIN history and found out that the odometer might have been tampered…the report shows more than 159,000 miles and the car shows 92,700!
another thing is the salvage title…as total loss

We liked the car…besides we are not expecting to buy a luxury car since we don´t have enough money to do so, and looking at the highways and streets here an expensive car is not worth it.
SO, i was thinking to re-negotiate with this guy and ask him to make it for $5,000 or LESS

Pls, Don Marcos give me your advice
What should i do?

Sorry for bothering you with this but I don´t know anybody else around here to ask to
and you seem to be a nice person with lots of experience here in Guate

Have a nice weekend !

Sincerely yours,

[obscured]

Dear [obscured],

I would not buy a car (for any price) that I thought had been tampered with.  If the odometer has been manipulated, what else is wrong?  There is a big business here bringing cars from the US that have been totaled and then they fix them up like nothing ever happened.

It is possible to find a decent car here, but most people I know import them from the US.  Cars are generally more expensive here as well because of the 26% import fee (plus $1000 to transport).

I hope that helps.

Mark

Well, the other day a friend approached me and said, “You’re going to love this one.  I just heard that you’re a former Mafia hitman under witness protection here in Guatemala, and that your friend [Paul] who you’re always hanging out with is not really a retired military guy but he’s a US Marshal who is responsible for debriefing you and keeping an eye on things.  That’s why he’s always coming and going on short notice, because he’s rushing back to Philly or NYC after talking to you.”

Perhaps not all of you expats-to-be will be the beneficiary of such sexy gossip, but there’s definitely more to it than just the fact that I stir the pot on this blog.  Check out this extensive article on expat gossip.

Well, the daughter was quite taken aback and said, “What boyfriend?” to which the teenager responded, “You know, Mr. [Paul], the guy from Ohio that is always bringing Mom chocolates and spices whenever he flies down”.

Hmm, maybe I need to reevaluate this whole ‘mule’ operation…

It’s taken years for Atitlán to rebuild what once made it the talk of travelers. Now the high-altitude lake is emerging as an offbeat destination for luxury tourists—a quiet oasis in a country known mostly for roughing it with a backpack. It also offers something typical posh destinations don’t: the chance to rub elbows with a native culture of the highlands Maya, as much of a draw as the dramatic setting.

On a steep hill overlooking the lake, Casa Palopó, a nine-room hotel in a converted villa above the village of Santa Catarina, offers a peek into where luxury tourism alternatives in Central America might be headed in an effort to grab that kind of traveler. Spacious rooms are painted in deep colors, reminiscent of old Spanish colonial buildings, and the hotel interior is tastefully appointed with antique furniture along with striking artworks by contemporary artists from the region. A stylish restaurant recently served rack of lamb and grilled bass from the lake (the menu changes frequently to the chef’s tastes). Morning coffee comes in French presses on floral china.

A short distance away, a very different world exists.

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Bottles will be opened at 5pm.

When I explained that he could use that money to invest in Guate by transferring it to a self-directed IRA and then buying shares in a Guatemalan corporation (they’re called Sociedad Anonima or ‘SA’), he got as giddy as a shoehine boy in the park after getting a 20Q tip!  I even shared with him how we might be able to generate some tax benefits out of the thing.  (You’ll definitely have to buy me a drink for that tip).

Regrettably, that business opportunity vanished after I asked a few tough questions about the financials (that would supposedly support the asking price).  Turns out the business has really only been up and running for 9 months (know anyone that sells a good business only 9 months after starting it?), and net income is a lot less when you consider the owner is working night and day and not counting those hours as wages.  If I had to hire someone to replace the owner, I’d be looking at 3000Q a month, minimum, which would cut the net income by 20%.  Oh, and she wasn’t paying market rent to her ‘friend’ but I would have to, at some unknown (higher) price.  I’m not thrilled about forking over $50k for that and she wasn’t thrilled about an escrow account based on net income performance.  Duh!

But I thought I would take the opportunity to tell you that it is possible to take that dusty old 401k or IRA and tweak it to invest in Guatemala.  You can’t exactly buy a house to live in, but you could buy it for investment purposes.  Or you could buy a bar, which would undoubtedly be a good investment for some of you, considering how much my frequent visitors tend to consume.  You could buy a finca and export coffee, or…well, the opportunities are limitless.

Regardless, better to do it now than AFTER Obama implements a 30% tax on ‘qualified retirement assets‘.