“Tell the Truth Why You Won’t Learn Spanish”
By · CommentsApparently my poor Spanish had really bothered a local whose acquaintance I had just made but who apparently knew of me and GuateLiving. He was friendly at first, but beneath the surface was raging, a phenomenon I regret to say is not all that uncommon. Or maybe it’s just not uncommon when people meet me.
Here’s how the conversation went after I admitted my Spanish was terrible and I needed to get serious about becoming fluent:
Hombre: Why don’t you just tell the truth about why your Spanish is so bad?
DM: I didn’t think I was lying about the fact that I’ve had 10 hours of Spanish classes and I’m learning a little every day during my regular adventures….
Hombre: The truth is you think gringos are better than Chapins and America is better than Guatemala and you want us to become just like you and speak English, so you refuse to learn our language.
DM: Dude, I have nothing against your language, I’m just not very good at it.
Hombre: You’ve been here two years and you still can’t speak it.
DM: Actually, only a little more than one year, but everyone in my house speaks English, my gringo friends all speak English, and most of my Guatemalan friends want to speak English to improve. I’m happy to speak and/or listen to Spanish as long as I can communicate effectively, which, depending on the conversation, might be 30 seconds or 5 minutes.
Hombre: Tell the truth. You think you are better than us.
DM: In what regard?
Hombre: You don’t deny it?!
DM: I’m sure I’m better at something than you are, perhaps drinking whiskey or smoking a cigar or playing poker…
Hombre: No, you think white people are generally better than Ladinos and that American culture is superior to ours.
DM: Well, white people do seem to be more efficient in war, better at exporting ideas and/or imposing them on others than you guys…
Hombre: I knew it! Admit it, you’re a racist.
DM: And I do prefer filet mignon, asparagus and chianti to tortillas, rice, beans and licuados.
Hombre: You’re proving my point. You think we’d be better off if we ate like you do in the US!
DM: Uh…yeah…are you saying you wouldn’t rather eat like that?
Hombre: Well, I don’t know. I love fresh tortillas, rice and beans. What’s your problem with them?
DM: Once a month they’re fine….maybe this has more to do with how you perceive me and your own country than what I believe. For example, I think you Guatemalans are less obsessed with working all the time than NorteAmericanos, you value your family, you tend to be more patient…
Hombre: Stop patronizing me.
DM: I was just trying to point out…
Hombre: I just know you’re a racist.
DM: Okay. Mucho gusto.
Fijese…No Mas Azucar
By · CommentsFor weeks we´ve been hearing these rumors of how the country is running out of sugar. Knowing that sugar is a domestically produced commodity, I gave the rumor no credence at all. Imagine my surprise to read in various publications over the last few days that the rumor is, in fact, true.
The consensus seems to be that Mexican buyers have been willing to pay more and thus have purchased all of the capacity, only to now sell it back to Guatemalans at a higher price. I have my doubts (given the propensity of locals to speculate and blame northern neighbors), and I wonder what kind of crisis this could spark given the average daily consumption of the Chapins I know.
This does raise great questions about trade. I´m a free trader, but my atheist/Marxist/collectivist/Keynesian friends were shocked the other day when I admitted that occasionally controls were important. For example, if China is flooding the US market with subsidized steel in an attempt to gain market share, and the result is that US steel makers leave the market because they cannot compete, then US national security is threatened by the loss of domestic steel production, which is not easily resumed once lost.
So, I explained, I thought governments should intervene when foreign suppliers threaten domestic production that is critical to the national security. Without steel you can´t build buildings, cars, bridges, factories to produce other things and of course most importantly, tanks and planes to carry bombs to drop on other people who defy us.
This brings us to the question of sugar. Is sugar a vital national resource to Guatemalans? Should the government intervene to control production and/or export so Chapins can be guaranteed their 4 tablespoons of sugar with their 1 cup of leche and 1/2 cup of cafe?
Update: Expat Mom has apparently been stockpiling sugar for some time. I guess I know where to go if/when I run out.
Visa Extension
By · CommentsSix months ago I reported on the process for renewing your VISA if you wish to stay in the country for more than 90 days. Since then I’ve learned about several expats who have gone native, which in this case means they just forget about the renewal altogether and go for years without addressing the issue. Assuming you don’t want to sneak across the Mexican border one day, you need this updated information.
I arrived at Migracion in the capital early so I could do the VISA process in one day. You see, if you complete all the paperwork by 10am, they will renew your passport and give it back at 3pm. (Yes, this is the same process that takes 5 minutes at the border). So I’m at migracion at 9am with my passports, those of the Wife and children, and even a few friends. I had completed the forms beforehand, made the copies of the passports, copies of the last page of entry stamps, copies of the credit card and brought passport sized photos of everyone involved. I had made sure this time to arrive before the 90 days expired, thus avoiding the 10Q per day per person fine for overstaying your VISA.
The same helpful senorita smiled and began explaining the items I would need. When she got to the end of the list she said, “When you were here last time did you have to bring your marriage license?” “No”, I replied. She then explained that El Presidente had fired her boss, and the new guy was enforcing all sorts of rules that had been on the books but not enforced for a long time. Thus, in addition to my marriage license, I needed to bring a copy of each kid’s birth certificate.
“And”, she continued, “right now we can’t process your renewal in anything less than 3 days, because of the new boss”.
Remembering the technique she used last time, I asked if I could go ahead and submit things now and bring the remaining papers back in three days when I came to pickup my stuff. She stood her ground and unfortunately said that was now impossible with the new jefe. At that moment I overheard a desperate gringo in the window next to me exclaiming “But I called you yesterday before I left Peten and you didn’t say anything about a birth certificate or marriage license.”
I glanced back at la senorita and raised an eyebrow. She grabbed the pile of passports and said she was going to go talk to the boss. Gringo from Peten didn’t get any help, his hombre just shrugged and motioned for the next guy. A few minutes later my girl returned and apologized curtly, and pushed the passports and all the paperwork back under the window.
I thought very seriously about explaining to her that Guatemala really should pay me to live here, promote expatism and employ people, but thought better of it. I stepped back from the window and tried to buy some time to think of creative solutions when I heard a Chapin explaining a nightmare story that helps to put mine in perspective. Apparently this guy married a Filipino woman while they were both in the US. Now he’s here trying to get her residency, but there is no Filipino embassy in Guatemala, so they sent him to El Salvador, but there is no embassy there either. So they were telling this guy to fly to Japan to get her paperwork completed! In the meantime, her VISA has expired and apparently it’s not easy for Asians to cross borders in Central America, so she’s really in a bind.
Proof that government bureaucracies function the same regardless of other cultural differences.
So as of today, here’s what you need to renew:
1. Passport with a entrance stamp
2. Complete the form.
3. Two copies of the front/photo page of your passport.
4. One copy of the most recent stamp of entry.
5. Copy of front and back of a foreign credit card (they check the expiration date, btw).
6. If you are married, a copy of your marriage license.
7. If you have a child you are renewing, a copy of their birth certificate.
8. Passport sized photos of anyone renewing.
I strongly urge you to call before you go though, and to call twice in an attempt to get two different people so you can double your chances of getting accurate information. Regardless, take at minimum everything listed above, plus lots of small bills for the fotocopia guy upstairs.
Que dios nos ayude
By · CommentsI’ve been following this American writer who lives in Mexico for some time and find his stuff immensely entertaining. Fred’s bio includes the following paragraph:
I went to high school in King George County, Virginia, while living on Dahlgren Naval Weapons Laboratory (my father was always a weapons-development sort of mathematician, although civilian by this time), where I was the kid other kids weren’t supposed to play with. My time was spent canoeing, shooting, drinking unwise but memorable amounts of beer with the local country boys, attempting to be a French rake with only indifferent success, and driving in a manner that, if you are a country boy, I don’t have to describe, and if you aren’t, you wouldn’t believe anyway. I remember trying to explain to my father why his station wagon was upside down at three in the morning after flipping it at seventy on a hairpin turn that would have intimidated an Alpine goat.
It gets even better. Apparently great minds think alike, because he’s written on both IQ and Darwin lately, like two Guatemalan-based blogs you are already familiar with. The most recent article, about the US-Mexico Drug War, has some real gems:
The Pentagon is working toward toward intervention, whether it know that it is or not. There is something called the Merida Initiative, in which the US supplies money and advice to transform Mexican society to combat the narcos. The colonels in the Five-Sided Squirrel Cage really believe they can reform the Mexican judiciary and infuse the police with virtuous fervor for American ideals. I spoke to a field-grade American officer about this. He had taken a six-month intensive course in Spanish at the Defense Language Institute and spoke less Spanish than my daughter did after two weeks here. The money would be used to reform the Mexican government, he said, which would then make short work of the narcos. He explained this with the earnest mission-orientedness that officers display when they are about to do something senseless.
I’m certain from first-hand knowledge that I’m smarter than the average Army officer and I don’t think they can pull it off. Anyway, go read the rest of the story.
English Speaking Tutor Wanted
By · CommentsA reader has asked me to post this ‘help wanted’ ad for an English speaking tutor to work with an American child in the Antigua area. If you know of someone who might be interested, please contact me and I will forward the information. mark AT guateliving DOT com
Strange Things Seen in Antigua
By · CommentsAround Antigua you will find these short concrete obelisks in the street to prevent the chicken buses and other large trucks from traveling on certain roads. Their position at some street corners can make navigating in even a large car or microbus somewhat interesting (hint: you have to start wide). During Cuaresma and a few other times per year, the city removes the concrete columns so the processions can pass without problem.
I’m sure they’re heavy and I had always wondered how many guys it took to pull one out of the street, assuming no fewer than 3 working and 5 watching. Now I know.
I would have given 10 to 1 odds against the proposition a bulldozer was used!
First person to correctly name these concrete obelisks in Spanish gets a drink at RumBar courtesy of GuateLiving.
Blackout In Middle of Chavez Anti-Bush Speech
By · CommentsFrom the “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up” category, strongman Chavez was taking a page from brother Obama’s playbook by giving a speech in which he was blaming all the world’s problems on former President Bush when the power went off.
Friends in Venezuela tell me conditions continue to worsen in the worker’s paradise. I think it’s hysterical to watch the predictable endgame play out in Marxist economies while US politicians promise the masses that national socialism is the answer to every human desire. Meanwhile the Chinese prove they’re smarter than we are by quietly embracing free market economics and simultaneously begin to dump US debt. Como se dice, “Will work for food” in Mandarin?
Along those lines, I was with a Ladino the other day who actually admitted to voting for Colom. He said he liked the idea of giving the Indians 300Q a month (or whatever the figure is), a plank of Colom’s election campaign, and it was one possible reason he won every department other than the capital.
I told this Chapin that he was just suffering from ‘white guilt’, and explained the history of politicians building electoral constituencies by stoking racial tension and using a redistribution of wealth . Setting the issue of whether state sanctioned theft is moral, he said, “Yeah, but they are poor”, to which I responded, “In the US we have spent trillions of dollars buying votes on welfare, which hasn’t changed much in the way of poverty but has gotten decades of Democrats elected, bankrupted the treasury and tricked the uneducated into a lifestyle of dependency. It’s economic bondage, courtesy of Karl Marx.”
My amigo thought about it and said, “Perhaps that’s what the rich and powerful wanted all along.”
And who said Chapins can’t think critically?
Wanted: Restaurant Recommendation in Guate
By · CommentsI’ve got some business in la Capital tomorrow and would like to try a new place for lunch. On my last two visits I ate at Vesuvio’s and some Argentine steak place in Zone 10. I’m open to any style, menu, location or budget. Post your suggestions!
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