You’ll want to get a cup of coffee (or something stronger), for this one.

I had a conversation recently with a female expat-who I’ll call “Emma”-who lives in a rural part of Guatemala.  She was explaining to me how her husband finally got around to going out for drinks with some local guys, and when neighbors saw him out drinking, they felt compelled to give Emma a heads-up.  The conversation went something like this:

Local:  “Your husband is drinking beer.”

Emma:  “Yes, I know”.

Local:  “You’re going to get a beating tonight.”

Emma:  “What are you talking about?!”

Local:  “Your husband is drinking beer; you’re going to get a beating tonight.”

Emma:  (Angrily shaking a raised fist) “I can beat [my husband] up if I want to, and he knows it!”

Local:  (With a confused/concerned look) “Good luck with that”.

These women so closely associate the physical abuse at the hands of their husbands with drinking that they just assumed it is the same everywhere.  This culture really amazes me; just the other day I stopped the Wife in the middle of the day, in front of the children and the maids, and gave her a hug and smiled at her.  (That’s just the kind of guy I am.)  The day before I brought roses home for her, (actually, I had them delivered, but whatever), and again the maids watched my every move-not smiling, just staring, as you might if I had hauled off and punched her.

All this leads me up to the #1 prohibited statement by expats in Guatemala, “There’s a reason this is the third world.” You say that to a bilingual local or a expat and you’re inviting verbal & physical assault (being 6′1″, weighing 230lbs and not giving a $@#! helps deter these attacks, BTW).  I even had one cheeky expat say, “Mate, I need to give you a book, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’.”  Been there, done that, but you see, I have this love affair with truth.  It gets in the way sometimes, but you sleep better at night (not to mention you maintain an accuracy rating of 99.3%, verified by the Ministerio de Asuntos de Internet de la Verdad y la Exactitud.

Without exception the stories I hear from local poor women contain elements of drinking binges, laziness, physical abuse and general worthlessness on the part of their husbands.  From wealthier women I hear stories of restraints upon their movement, limits on who their friends may be and when they may see them and-like their poor counterparts-sexual promiscuity by their husbands.  Granted, these are women talking, so as a chauvinistic, paternalistic,misogynistic-well, you know the rest-I discount it by about half (a husband should have some say in what his wife does and who she sees, right?), but I can’t help but recognize the remarkable consistency to the stories.

What’s the moral to the story?  Well, as one expat bachelor friend who overheard my musings the other day said, “So, you’re saying I should marry a Guatemalan chick because she’ll be grateful?”  I said, “Well, maybe.  I guess if you feed her well and don’t beat her…wait, we’re not talking about a dog…”

Back to the original point.  You all know I believe the fundamental problem with this culture is the lack of education.  I know, I know, I’m in the minority here, most of you all seem to believe there are far too many people and far too few abortions and that’s the solution.  However, it seems to me that from the data I’ve collected, neither poor nor wealthy men treat their female counterparts with respect.  I know all about the machismo stuff, but I don’t think I understood how this is a facade for maltreatment of the fairer sex.

I don’t have space in this article to deal with you feminists who think men and women are the same and should be treated the same, so let’s accept the premise, if only temporarily, that I operate within a worldview which says that women and men are different and should be treated accordingly.  For example, I speak to my male friends, brothers and fathers differently than I do my lady friends, wife, daughters and mother.   I open doors and stand up at the table (at least at a nice place), for ladies, and guys, you SOBs can fend for yourself.  One a$$hole I know said this was a ‘dubious double standard’, but I grew up thinking of it as gentlemanly.

I thought with the Catholic domination of this culture for the last half millenia that the philosophical attitudes I learned would apply here.  For you pagans: Catholic men are supposed to treat their women like Christ treated his Mother.  That’s why Catholics put the Madonna on a pedestal; because Christ-the perfect man-would have done the same.  Apparently that part of the catechism didn’t make it onto the boat.

Anyway, that’s how I see it.  If you’re planning on retiring here and occasionally venturing out of your gated community, or worse, if you’re planning on retiring here and then spending your remaining days ’saving the natives’ (from disease, poverty, unwanted babies or Hell), well, keep what I’ve said in mind.  You’ve got your work cut out for you.