In Mexico they call it “Montezuma’s Revenge”.  I’ve heard locals call it ‘turistas’.  Yes, we’re talking about the big ‘D’, i.e., Diarrhea. If you travel extensively you’re almost certain to get this at one point or another.  Heck, I don’t even have to travel to get it occasionally, the right wrong combination of broccoli, beer, salsa and refried beans can…well, you get the point.

I noticed several months ago that Fabrisio, one of my on-call taxi drivers, always has a roll of toilet paper on his dashboard.  I never gave it much thought before, after all, he could have a cold, or use it to keep his sunglasses clean.  Well, one day not too long ago I was experiencing some, shall we say, lower GI abnormalities, and was walking to The Translator’s place of business.  My leisurely walk quickly turned into a power-walk as circumstances deteriorated.

I arrived in considerable discomfort but still presentable, and breathed a sigh of relief to find the sole bathroom unoccupied.  Moments later the horror returned, however, when I discovered there was no toilet paper.  I had already committed, so I was stuck.  It wasn’t even a situation of ‘not in reach’ kind of passing horror, but as in, not in the bathroom period.  Even more frustrating was the fact the bathroom bore the signs of having very recently been cleaned, and yet no sign of TP in site.

I cracked open the door and tried to inconspicuously peer out, not sure quite what I was looking for.  I tried to call my friend, the proprietor, but got no answer.

It was at this time that I remembered Fabrisio, or more particularly, his TP.  He’s a veteran taxi driver, and has no doubt been in some tough spots before, and apparently decided at some point to always have a roll of TP in the car.  Like a 20-something young man who goes through a painful experience and suddenly remembers his father’s wisdom that might have helped avoid that discomfort, I thought wistfully of Fabrisio at that moment.

I won’t burden you with the gory details, but fortunately there was an abundance of hand soap available for clean-up, and I went about the rest of my day with no further emergencies.

A short time later I was in another bathroom in a local business and found that it too, lacked TP.  At the time it didn’t pose an inconvenience to me, but as I walked past the line of women waiting their turn, I wondered as to how they solve The Problem.

I still don’t quite understand; are people here so cheap that they skimp on TP?  What do the people who work and visit these businesses do, in lieu of TP?  Is it merely neglect on the part of the staff?  Bathrooms are guarded here as a precious resource, so it’s not like they’re worried about the public just stumbling off the street and stealing half a roll of TP.  I have no answers on this one.

FYI, if you visit a public bathroom here you’ll almost always be greeted at the entrance, charged a 2Q or 3Q fee, and offered one or two squares of TP.  Of course, if you follow Fabrisio’s plan of preparation, this doesn’t present a problem.  You can confidently reach into your back pocket, whip out your TP and say to the bathroom attendant, “No gracias”!